Jonathan Meres

@AnthonyJBurt Precisely. - 3 minutes ago

@KateMallinder Because ‘I never promised you a veggie plot’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it. - 8 minutes ago

@annapurna2009 No. Should I? - 10 minutes ago

@AnthonyJBurt I don’t need them anymore. - 11 minutes ago

@KateMallinder I beg your pardon? - 15 minutes ago

Any questions? https://t.co/xIxXPLyA8B - 19 minutes ago

19yo son: ‘This may be the best toasted baguette I’ve ever made.’ And trust me, he’s made a few. - 5 hours ago

#ChewsdayMotivation https://t.co/uqjYCia85b - 5 hours ago

I’m not going to sleep tonight. I’m going to be testing the insides of my eyelids. - 22 hours ago

On this day, 44 years ago. In which I sand the monkey island. Which I’m reasonably sure wasn’t a euphemism… https://t.co/FgFRD5a4vN - 22 hours ago

If anyone’s seen my wife’s slipper...oh, wait. https://t.co/HtDHkPI8hx - 23 hours ago

It's a bank holiday? - 1 day ago

@doestagg Every cloud. - 1 day ago

@carylhart1 It’s on my To Do list. Right after ‘learn to speak Mandarin,’ ‘learn how to paint’ and ‘learn to play trombone.’ - 1 day ago

Saw someone talking about biggest professional regrets. Mine’s probably when I was doing stand-up in the late 80s a… https://t.co/eSb3NoqLBD - 1 day ago

You know things are getting back to normal, when a motorist beeps and gives you the finger, for not crossing the ro… https://t.co/J4urW80bOk - 1 day ago

@emilythecat We are, thanks and the same to you. - 1 day ago

Wow. Very happy author, too. Thank you 😊 https://t.co/FuTo9esFHt - 1 day ago

Easy like a Monday morning. https://t.co/ltwDaYsBkr - 1 day ago